I hate being an adult sometimes

and the main time I do is when I have to go to a funeral. I don't understand the whys. I don't get it. I don't know understand the WHY of a 44 year old dying on his kitchen floor, nor the WHY of why when the rescue squad responded, they didn't enter the house with a stretcher, aspirin, nitroglycerin, nothing. I can't begin to grasp the lost of a husband, or of a father, or even of a stepfather. I don't know how to help other than to hug them and love them and pray for them.

I'm talking about the sudden death by heart attack of a coworker's husband. Tammie's daughter Nicole got home and found him on the floor and called her grandmother and called 911. They did everything that they possibly could for him, but he did not make it. I hadn't thought about this until Tammie's sister mentioned it to me today....the thought that he was laying there, knowing what was happening to him, and not being able to stop it. It breaks my heart.

Their daughter Emily just entered fourth grade. She has had anxiety issues for years....clowns, firefighters, loud noises. She was so excited week before last because they were going to stay in a cabin in Pigeon Forge and go to Dollywood. She commented that she'd never been there before because she'd always been scared to go. And now.....she just lost her daddy.

Emily was holding together pretty well. She was not in the chapel, but was in the foyer sitting. When I left, one of her friends was there with her. Nicole hugged me and started sobbing, and then told me how worried she was about Emily. Tammie is still in shock, but said she is ready to come back to school because she doesn't want to sit at the house anymore. My heart just breaks for them.

And then this makes me think about my own parents' mortality, and how much I am NOT ready to lose my Daddy. And I'm 35! To lose him unexpectedly at 10....I can't even begin to imagine. I can't fathom it, and I am so, so sorry that she has to deal with this. I worry about Nicole having been there trying to help him as he died.

I just don't know. I hurt for them. And I just don't know what else to say.